Change

Anyone who knows us knows how much I have my hands full with Emilee and Gracie. For the longest time it feels like we have been going through that horrible "terrible twos" stage with Em. She's 4 and a half and she started it when she turned 1. Boy, oh boy, has it been a long 3 years! Don't get me wrong, throughout those few years we have had a lot of fun. Emilee is really funny and the stuff she comes out with makes me laugh. But her strong will can be really tiring.

Everyday I'd find myself frustrated and grumpy b/c it was just utter chaos around here. Trying to get a business off the ground has been nuts b/c the girls are just all over the place. Gracie, although a little more subdued than Emi, is a handful. She'll be 2 in July and she is one busy little girl. So, lately I've been miserable. Normally I'm a pretty happy person - I tend to find humor in everything but I noticed that I was not really portraying what a Godly wife and mother should be. I knew I needed to change but I found myself getting cold and not as convicted as I used to get. Right away that was a red flag. I felt like I was treading some very dangerous waters. I felt like I was in a spiritual rut. And for whatever reason I just could not get myself out.

On Easter I was sitting in church and my pastor was talking about Jesus' words on the cross. He mentioned when Jesus said "it is finished" and he started talking about not finishing things that we start. That immediately brought something to mind (something that I won't share just yet) and the very next day I began to work on finishing something I had started a long long time ago. So, with that change and goal I felt my life start to take a bit more order.

Then last week after hearing a message on Mother's Day I realized that my mothering skills really REALLY needed some work. I knew I was not being the mother that God really wanted me to be. I mean, how could I be when I was grumpy, stressed and screaming at my kids all day. I knew the answer to my problems lied in daily time with God. I knew that, for me, my short little prayers here and there throughout the day were just not cutting it. I NEEDED that time with just me and God, devoted to praying for my family. I think what always kept me from doing that was always thinking that I had to get up early and pray and I had tried that and I was always half asleep, could barely say a coherent prayer. I never stuck with it long enough to make a difference.

Well, last week, around mid-morning when I was wide awake, i put a show on for the girls, went into my room, got on my knees and prayed. I talked to God just like I'd talk to my husband or a friend. I remember one week recently during my Beth Moore study how she was talking about talking to God like that so I did just that. It was great. I was not dead bent on having to pray for a specific amount of time or say something specific. I just got open and honest with God and let me tell ya. What a difference it has made! I feel so much better - so much more connected to Him. Emilee and I had a great week last week! We even made 2 trips to the store and she did wonderful. Now, that's huge! I'm praying for my family and friends everyday. I'm far from perfect for sure. I still had a few outbursts last week but I've been happier and my kids seem happier and I'm just SO THANKFUL that God moved in my life and is bringing me to places of change.